


Guilt/Nostalgia

by PigeonDreams



Series: NatePat Ficlets [6]
Category: Game Theory - Fandom, Natepat - Fandom, Random Encounters - Fandom, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: AJ is kind of an ass in this, Aging, Angst, Crushes, Embarrassment, Infidelity, Kissing, M/M, Mangled Music Video, Nostalgia, Past Infidelity, Present Tense, Random Encounters, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Well there's nothing that says it explicitly so you could ignore that, but this was set back when they were both in relationships so, set in 2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 08:33:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18465307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PigeonDreams/pseuds/PigeonDreams
Summary: Nate realizes just how much time has passed.





	Guilt/Nostalgia

**Author's Note:**

> I know I haven't updated in a month and a half, but I'm working on something that's at least 5000 words long, so forgive me.
> 
> I wrote most of this in one day. It just came flowing out of me—it's been... a time.

Being recommended your own videos was one of the more surreal parts of being a YouTuber, Nate believes. You'd think they'd have some sort of filter.

Nevertheless, when he sees his own gaming video loading up, he decides to let it play.

"Hey guys it's NateWantsToBattle..." greets his chipper past self.

Nathan laughs. The man onscreen barely looks like him. And it certainly didn't feel like him. Little Nate seemed so pure and ecstatic. Current Nate wanted to give him a pat on the head.

"Twenty-fourteen, man. It was a different time." Nate's hands rest on his face as he recalls the starkly different political, social, and YouTube scene. "Lot's changed over the past two years—three years."

Wait no. 2014 was... four years—no, five.

"Five years ago." The realization punches him in the face.

Past Nate chatters on, carefree.

He jolts upward. He's winded, somehow. He stared at the screen, noise and lights pounding his face, but none of it processing.

The video finishes with a cheerful sign off. Another one plays.

_It's over, isn't it, isn't it, isn't it over..."_

Nate wants to watch the video. He wants to observe his technique, to cringe, to think of all the parts that could be better. But all he can focus on is the tiny text below the video that tells him it was posted July 30, 2016, which is creeping uncomfortably close to three years ago.

Nathan fights to steady his breath. The queue brings another music video: Mangled. Of fucking course.

Nathan remembers it like yesterday.

_"So what's my job, exactly?" Matt's smile gleams like starlight._

_Nate barely contains a giggle._

_AJ explains, "We're going to have you sit in that chair—"_

_"And then we're gonna tie you up while I taunt you," Nate interrupted._

_Matt was taken aback. "Oh, wow. That's a, um, **bold**  idea." He turned toward AJ. "Is this like, a sex thing? For him?"_

_Everyone else laughs. Matt's stunned, sparkling hazel eyes search for sympathy._

_"It's for Halloween, MatPat. It's going to be **horror**."_

_"Yeah, keep your fantasies to yourself." Says the cameraman._

_"Yeah, I didn't need to know you wanted a hot guy to tie you up." AJ jokes._

_"Hey, you're the one who called him hot!" Matt's face turns fire red._

_Matt's stance tightens. Nate wants to go over and hug him, but doubts it would help._

_"I...I...excuse me for a minute." Matt steps out of the room, only to dash away when he thinks he's out of sight. (And no one else does, except Nate, who watches him leave.)_

_"Should we go get him?" Nate asks._

_"He'll come back," AJ says. "We need do your makeup."_

_And so Nate is directed behind a curtain that separates him from the rest of the room, muffling the raucous laughter on the other side, and the only thing he can hear clearly is the pitter-patter of the makeup sponge on his face._

_"Close your eyes," says the make-up lady, and Nate does. He tries to keep his thoughts off MatPat._

_Nate's waiting while the lady mixes up some more paint when the door squeaks open._

_"Oh, hey, Nate." Matt instantly tenses up. He looks so small and vulnerable—it tugs at all Nate's heartstrings._

_Nate doesn't say anything, he just gets up and hugs Matt as tight as he can, rubbing his fingers through his auburn hair. "I'm sorry."_

_Matt's surprised, but lets himself melt into the hug, head resting upon Nate's collarbone. "It's okay. It's not like you did anything."_

_"Yeah, but I didn't do anything to stop them." Nate sways Matt back and forth to gentle rhythm only he could hear._

_"Look, it's fine. You're making a mountain out of a molehill." But Matt doesn't pull away, and they just stay that way for a while._

_"You give nice hugs, Nate." Matt whispers into Nate's ear_.

_"I like hugging you too."_

**Their lips touched. Nate can't remember who kissed who. It was gentle, chaste, with little pressure between them. It was a soft warmness, which such intimacy that for a moment he swore he could see inside Matt's mind. The moment held for an short eternity. It was catching smoke in a bottle.**

**They don't so much pull away as fall like autumn leaves.**

_"I should go," Matt says, stars reflecting in his eyes. He's smiling. "Gotta face the music eventually."_

_Nate wants say_ ** _no_** , _to hoard Matt here for himself. But he doesn't, and Matt slips through his fingers._

_"I like the makeup. You look really scary." Matt laughs._

_"Thanks, Matt. Wait til it gets dark, then you'll really be scared."_

_Matt giggles and leaves._

_When the moment is over and the woman commands Nate back into the chair, Nate wonders if it even happened._

He leans back, falling out of the memory and into his office chair, trying to lick the remnants of the kiss from his lips.

He has always meant to ask, to follow up on that kiss. But there had never been a good time, there had been too much business to take care of, too many people in the room, too many cats catching Nate's tongue.

Three and a half years have passed. It was much too late.

Right?

With very little to lose, Nate picks up his phone, and opens the message app.

**Hey**

**We should hang out sometime**

He presses send.

Then he watches two familiar strangers play Smash and shove marshmallows into each other's mouths.

He can't even get himself to laugh at Matt's attempt to sing.

_BuzzBuzzBuzz._ —cries a text notification.

He opens it up.

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel?
> 
> So that's the zeitgeist of the moment. And by moment I mean the past year (+ two weeks).
> 
> My Discord number is #5494, and my normal tumblr is ceriseskies. Come chat.
> 
> Also I have officially gotten a hold of @natepat, the Tumblr url. Pester me there. Fuel my trash.
> 
> Happy late Homestuck Day, I guess.


End file.
